A RETELLING OF THE EPIC BATTLE BETWEEN D VADER AND
by Brian Fullerton
Summary: L SKYWALKER. RR PLS


Luke Skywalker kneeled beside his father and rubbed his back.  
  
"I read somewhere that asthma a lot of times is more psychological than anything."  
  
"Be quiet, it's not psychological. I'm actually having trouble breathing," Darth Vader said pulling him self up. He removed his breast plate and started rubbing his chest.  
  
"You sure you're alright, Dad?"  
  
"Yeah. I just need my inhalor. Go get it, will you?"  
  
Luke ran back to the trash compactor where he last saw it and asked that stupid creature that lives in there for some inexplicable reason if he saw it.  
  
"Why the hell would it be in here?" the monster seemed to ask.  
  
"Well, have you seen my copy of Lord of the Rings?"  
  
"Why the hell would I read that stupid pile of shit?"  
  
Luke was annoyed that someone dared disgrace a book that he thought was the best book ever written.  
  
"Be quiet. It's the greatest book ever written."  
  
"You know Tolkien just ripped off Finnish mythology right?" The monster was now tapping morse code on the side of the trash compactor.  
  
"All I can say is STOP this and fast, this is a very very important thing to do if you wish to keep your dignity. and lord of the rings is not stupid, unlike this horrible piece of shit."  
  
"Someone is a touchy bastard."  
  
MEANWHILE BACK TO WHEREVER THE HELL DARTH VADER IS AT  
  
Darth Vader had realized that his inhalor was in his pocket. He pulled out the little metal cylinder and place it inside of its plastic container. He pushed it into the back of the plastic spacer and placed it against those little holes in front of his helmet. He pushed the metal cylinder down and the myst sprayed out only to stick to the front of his helmet.  
  
"God damnit," Darth vader seemed to say.  
  
He pressed on the cylinder again, again releasing the myst through the plastic container and onto the mask of Darth Vader. This time he pointed the inhalor into the air in front of his face and sprayed the myst. He then stepped into the myst and inhaled deeply.  
  
"Psychological, my ass. I wish he would get back here so I can kick his ass."  
  
Darth Vader walked over to a viewing window by Emporer Palpatine who was magically transported there.  
  
"I wonder if inhabitable planets are this close together in other galaxies, Emporer Palpatine."  
  
"Probably. I mean if certain laws and observable phenominon happened here then it would happen everywhere else, yeah?"  
  
"Unless of course this is just a product of some borderline retard's imagination."  
  
Darth Vader scratched the bottom of his helmet, where his chin would be.  
  
"Maybe someday we'll fine out. Maybe some day we'll find out."  
  
MEANWHILE IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR  
  
"Funkquisha." Luke said after an awkward silence, "If I were graced with the option of deciding my name, I would choose my name to be Funkquisha."  
  
"I think I would pick, 'pointless waste of time.'" The trash compactor monster was now feeling depressed.  
  
"Don't be so hard on yourself trashcompactor monster."  
  
"I mean, why do I even live here? I just live off of trash. You would think I wouldn't even have the capacity to even eat anymore. Based on the lack of nutrients I'm getting."  
  
"Why don't you eat me?" Luke titled his head and arched one eyebrow. He gave a slight nod.  
  
"Why don't I?" The monster tapped on the wall seductively.  
  
A tentacle came out of the water behind Luke and started to give him a backrub.  
  
"Just relax, baby. Just relax."  
  
"I....I've never done this before." Luke was feigning innocence.  
  
Luke's eyes rolled back into his head and thought about Elizabeth Taylor. Before she got old and fat. At first he thought of Natalie Portman until he realized that she looks just like his mother.  
  
SOMETIME LATER  
  
As the second death star was in the process of being destroyed, the giant tentacle ended his memoirs on his typewriter in indestructable paper that would survive the explosion... for some inexplicable reason. He looked off for a second and the smiled and nodded as he heard Vinnie take the ladder from his window.  
  
"I am thinking of aurochs and angels, the secret of durable pigments, prophetic sonnets, the refuge of art. And this is the only immortality you and I may share, my Skywalker." 


End file.
